The 10 Step Plan

This week I found myself in one of those “What just happened here?” situations.  I had been dating a guy regularly for about a month when all of the sudden contact virtually stopped.  I asked what was up and got a text message crammed with token lines of we should just be friends, I need to get things lined up on my end, I wouldn’t ask you to wait for me, and you deserve better.  Yes ladies.  All of this in a text message.  Oh, and it was sent to me in the middle of my work day instead of the night before when I had inquired about said situation.

The following is a guide in case this bizarre situation comes up in your life where even when you aren’t in a relationship, you still face the dreaded break up text.

1. After reading the text, close your eyes, put your head down, and accept that there are no guys left in the world worth dating- no matter how awesome you are.

2. Follow the first rule of Fight Club in relation to your text message- DON’T TALK ABOUT THE TEXT MESSAGE.  You know you will only cry over your disappointment, be upset that you are crying, and cry more.  I described my mood and actions the rest of that day as “emotional lockdown.”  No talking meant no crying, and I managed to hold off long enough that I didn’t need to cry at all.

3. Solicit and accept all hugs.  These will remind you that while one guy doesn’t know how to treat you like a human being, most of the world does.  I told my class that I was sorry for being irritable or quiet and explained that I was hurting because I had a bad fight with my friend.  They suggested I write an apology letter, but after explaining it was the other person’s fault, they were immediately ready to hug the crap out of me.

4. Notify the grapevine.  You know all those people who you just told you were excited about this new guy you were dating?  Well now you have to make sure they all know you are not dating anymore so they do not ask you about it later and break Step 2’s emotional lockdown you have going.  Just focus on the people you see regularly.  If any 2nd circle people know, you can just tell them later if it comes up when you are already over it.

5. Craft the absolutely *perfect* reply.  You have ONE chance to text back.  After that, communication has to cease or else you will look crazy, desperate, lame, etc. (Note: I did break this rule once, but then decided it was time to make a clean break and went with delete contact instead). I never go the explicative route or the carefree route.  I do care, but I’m not going to throw a fit about it either.  My advice is to always be genuine, nice, and as understanding as possible.  You want to leave the guy with “Damn.  I just let this gem of a person go for no reason.  I’m an idiot.” : D

6. Sleep.  You can deal with the rest of your feelings in the morning.

7. Create a post-break up playlist- complete with even amounts of sad and angry music.  You can add to it as you get more and more towards a Kelly Clarkson-bad ass-single lady outlook on life.  Here are some recommendations:

a) Rock Bottom by Pablo

b) Echo by Jason Walker

c) Kill by Jimmy Eat World (personal favorite)

d) If I Were a Boy by Beyonce

e) What Doesn’t Kill You by Kelly Clarkson

8. Go out with friends.  You do not want to sit alone anywhere for too long and replay the past two weeks to try and pinpoint SOMETHING that would have indicated you would be in this situation now.  You won’t find it, and you’ll just end up cursing inanimate objects in your apartment.

*Bonus* If you are as lucky as I was to have gone shopping the weekend before in anticipation of future dates, feel free to bust out those cute clothes with your friends.  You might look a little out of place with your friend in sneakers and jeans and you in high-heeled boots, dangly earrings, and a sparkly top, but hey.  You are NOT going to let your careful expenditures go to waste in your closet.

9. Turn into Jim Carrey from Yes Man.  Agree to try everything and anything.  Colleague asks you to judge a school competition you haven’t heard about before?  YES.  Boot camp class your friend has been begging you to tag along to while you laugh at the idea of even considering based on your athletic ability?  SURE!  Applying for a bunch of part time jobs in the area even though summer isn’t for another 2 months? DONE.  Sign up for a CPR/First Aid class required of said jobs you are applying for?  GO FOR IT.  The world is your oyster, lady!

10. Channel your inner Emily Thorne and find some way to get your final aggression out to move on.  Instead of an intricate plot to take down most of the Hamptons, I went with writing this post.  It’s not meant to be harsh or cruel, but more to just laugh off the ridiculousness that was this past week.

And with that, I will leave you with this quote from the ending monologue of He’s Just Not That Into You:

“And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. “

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2 Responses to “The 10 Step Plan”

  1. I love this! Especially number 10 🙂

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