Quit Playing Games with My Heart…No Seriously

I think a lot of people can relate to being in the situation where you can see your relationship with someone (at whatever stage) is not going well, but you feel conflicted on what to do about it.  You think about ending it, but then realize you’re not ready to give up hope yet that things could get better.  You think about confronting the problems, but wonder if you’ll get a real chance to do that or if it will end the relationship in itself.  And you think about sticking it out- maybe the timing is just off right now and it will get better, right?  Right?

Since I’ve been back in Tulsa I’ve definitely had to go through all of these thoughts.  I was dating this guy again- which some people might think is a complete mistake, but I’m always for going with your gut on whether or not to give second chances.  We talked about what went wrong.  We talked about dating and avoiding ending the same way again.  And then we had a few great dates- the kind where you laugh, and talk about serious things, and have those great kisses that make you so excited to see the person again.  But then I found myself back where I was four months ago.  There weren’t any conversations about making plans for the next date.  There weren’t really any conversations period.

And so I quickly realized I had found myself a player in a game.  You know, the one where you have to ignore the guy to get their attention.  Being genuine and happy we were dating wasn’t working, so I had to pretend like I wasn’t wondering how his day is going or didn’t care if I saw him this weekend.  But I realized to play this game, I would have to change who I am.  I am never going to be the hot and cold girl- I’m just consistently warm : )  I want to be there to support you, celebrate with you, challenge you, vent with you.  I don’t need to see you every day or have hour long phone conversations every night, but a short call here, a date night there…it goes a long way.  And in this situation, I had about two text messages a week that said really nothing important.

So finally I allowed myself to admit what I’d known all along- I’m afraid to end this because this could be something.  But what am I really losing when I currently have nothing?  I turned to a few sources of inspiration that brought further clarity:

Sex and the City: I’ve been marathoning through episodes of this since I’ve been back in Tulsa.  I haven’t watched the series in a long time, and I find it much more relatable now than when I first watched the show.  When I saw this episode (see below for the story line I care about), I found myself empathizing with Carrie.  I knew exactly how she felt in a much smaller way- especially at the quote “Why is it so hard for you to factor me into your life in any real way?”  Here I am, trying to let someone into my life more and get to know them and they can’t even respond to a single text message in less than three days.  Yes, Carrie gets a little crazy, but at the core, I think a lot of girls have felt similarly at one time or another.

Emily and Jef: The Bachelorette is ridiculous.  I’m not going to defend it.  But I liked watching this season because here’s a girl that knows when something doesn’t feel right that it’s time to let it go and make room for something better.  She also mentioned how one of her favorite things about Jef, her final choice, was that he made her feel confident.  Did I feel confident with my guy?  No.  I didn’t really feel insecure about myself, but most of the time I just felt disappointed- which obviously was a bad sign.

Loved this moment- and the 80’s song montage afterwards.

Friends (The real kind, not the TV show): Talking with your girlfriends is a must when you’re frustrated with a guy.  I had one friend going through something similar, and we would both reflect a lot on our problems and try to find a solution or bright spot amongst the disappointment.  I talked with another friend about these games guys play- that some are really only in it for the chase.  Once you make it clear you’re interested and ready to pursue something they’re done.  Can you keep playing the game and making them chase you?  Of course.  Are you really a game-playing person at heart?  No- acknowledging that is hard, but necessary.  And of course I have the friend who focuses on all the negatives of an ex to be the con list to your pro list.  While you try to make certain things seem better than they are, they’ll try to point out that really they aren’t that great.  And the day you can’t disagree with this friend is the day you know you’re done.

After all of these things found a way to weigh in on my feelings, I finally made a choice.  I ended things, explained briefly why, and then said he wouldn’t hear from me again.  I’m not immediately going to find someone else (being a teacher is a huge obstacle to this), but I don’t want to hang on any longer to something that isn’t really there.  It was hard, and I still feel disappointed, but as soon as the text message was sent, I felt better.  It was a very “me” thing to do, and honestly, I’m really at my best when playing myself ❤

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